You have been on my mind and constantly whispering reminders to me! :0)
I continue to be so grateful for you and all that you teach!! and I'm even more grateful that I listen!! :0)
It's been a bit of whirlwind the past nine months and particularly around the time of your last email. To make a 9 month long story short, a young lady went through a red light last July and hit my 85 year old mom's car while she was driving in it. She lives 250 miles away from me and from that day her life changed, and so did mine to a certain extent.
You really get to know what you have learned and what has stuck in this kind of situation.
Sparing you the details, I constantly reminded myself that "Lot's Can Happen" and it did.
I also stuck with the "What" and continued to Show Up and let the "How" work for me.
Now I would like to tell you that with every step I did this peacefully and joyfully and without resistance, but that could not be farther from the truth. There were certainly dashes of drama in there, but for the most part, I did what I could humanly do...and then let the rest go.
By February my mom basically decided, she had had enough and she was ready to leave this plain.
You know it's interesting, Jacob, because she was a true example of a "fighter" and a "survivor". I would say coming from the era of which she came, it certainly had its place for her back then, and I see those traits in me and relish knowing (and on-goingly practicing) that I can "thrive" and I have.
From February to March she rallied back up and down three time. She was a woman who never said can't and had an incredible amount of feistiness and determination. I think she fought to rally up just because that's what she knew how to do, not necessarily because she wanted to stay here any longer. When the hospital initially called me they basically said she had days maybe a week.....and, to their surprise, she stayed a month and a half.
The night before she passed away, a personal care worker put the phone to her ear and I got to tell her that I loved her and that it was okay, that she could stop fighting now, and finally she did.
I got to practice a lot of things you teach, Jacob, during those nine months, but ONE in particular stuck out for me and it was something that I had not experienced before.
I remember just a few months previous I was listening to one of the CD's you sent. You talked about a friend who went into the hospital and he didn't tell anyone he was there. I remembered you talked in great lengths about this, but what stood out and what I remembered you saying ( or what I heard) was that "people can't love you if you don't let them."
By the time my mom passed away I was, energetically, pretty tapped out. I had been back and forth to where she lived something like 22 times and trying to keep up with work at the same time.
To add to this emotional time a very good friend of mine (someone who is like a Zan to you) passed away the day before my mom, which took me completely by surprise.
I don't have any family so all that had to be done, arrangements etc... fell on me. Generally, what is my practice is that even when people offer to help, I just say, no thanks I can do it, but this time because I was so tired, and emotionally drained I let people in and just accepted.
Being vulnerable or accepting of help has never come easy, but I felt that God gave me a safe haven to practice this. I just let them in (and told my ego, in true Jacob form, for a change to "just shut the f__k up!!" :0) and accepted the help. It sometimes wasn't "exactly" how I would have done it, but I continued to accept graciously, realizing in the grand scheme of things that the "detail" that was important to me didn't matter in the grand scheme of things and know one knew the difference. I always remember, with a smile :0) your definition of a perfectionist!!!
When everything was over, I shared with a good friend that in my whole life I had never felt so loved my so many people and I realized Jacob it was because I let them love me. Thank you, in your unique, incredible, funny, candid way, for teaching me how to give myself that gift.
And part #2 to that experience is...........about 2 years prior I was sitting at home watching some love story and being very teary eyed. I don't even remember what the movie was, but I remember asking God that night that when my mom died if I could please not be alone. I had someone in my life when my grandmother died, and I had someone in my life when my dad died, and I just wanted to have someone in my life, even if it ended afterwards, when my mom died. Interesting that I had a certain kind of picture in my head of what that was going to look like or what I "thought" I wanted.
Well, God, had a much better plan for me!!! It did not look anywhere near the way I had pictured it to look..........it was far better!!! I was no where near alone, with loving people there for me everywhere I turned and every step of the way.... I don't know if one person could have given me what all those people around me gave me, so it was another incredible experience....and another teaching from you that it doesn't always look the way we think it's going to look, and at the same time we need to keep our eyes open (and our mind) to recognize when it's happening just the same.
Love you so so much Jacob
You have been with me in my car back and forth with each one of those trips, your books, when I journal
and constantly whispering reminders to me.
Thank you so so much.