"If I had more confidence I would ask for a raise or go after that promotion."
"If I had more courage I would ask that person out on a date or ask for what I want in my relationship."
NO, it's the other way around. If you asked for what you wanted even when you're afraid or tired or not in the mood, you'd grow more confidence and courage.
You may think that if you had more self esteem, more CONFIDENCE, more self worth and love, that you would do better, follow through more, be more courageous in going for your dreams, take better care of yourself, show up for yourself and your life more fully.
In fact, it's the other way around. When we do better, follow through more, go for our dreams, take better care of ourselves, show up for ourselves and our life more fully, EVEN WHEN WE DON'T FEEL LIKE IT AND ARE FILLED WITH SELF DOUBT, FEAR OR EVEN SELF HATRED, THOSE are the moments that build into us having self esteem, CONFIDENCE, self worth and self respect.
Those are the moments we call PRIVATE VICTORY, which is a victory over the small fearful voice. And those daily BORING moments of private victory are what lead to PUBLIC VICTORY, meaning that we then begin to bear fruit which is not only visible within our own psyche, but the fruit begins to become visible to the people around us as well.
It's tricky because it's so fucking simple. You have to treat yourself AS IF you love yourself even in a moment when you are filled with shame and self loathing. Ego tries to make it super complicated, but it's only the stories that are complicated - the Truth is very very simple but not always easy because we tend to bow down to our "feelings" far too much in life as if they mean something. I don't mean our feelings as in "intution or guidance" but rather our "mood" feelings. We don't follow through because we feel sad or tired or worried or afraid or weak or grouchy or hormonal or . . . whatever. But the truth is that we can never be all that we were destined to be if we live our life by how we feel, because most of the time we won't "feel like it."
HOWEVER, if we keep doing whatever is for our better good EVEN WHEN WE DON'T FEEL LIKE IT, eventually it becomes a habit. Probably you parents didn't teach you to brush your teeth if and when you feel like it or when you are in the mood. And eventually it became such a habit that you don't even ever stop to make the decision anymore - you just do it. You don't stop to question whether you think it's really working or not, check to see if you're in the mood or not, have a small pity party for yourself because you shouldn't HAVE TO brush your teeth AGAIN. DOING becomes a habit - whether it is a self-destructive doing or a doing that gives you more health, life, courage and fulfilling relationships. You may not FEEL LIKE feeding the dog or taking him for his walk, but you don't go through some major moral questioning about it - you just do it. The problem is many of us treat our cat with more care than we do ourselves. AND THAT IS JUST ANOTHER HABIT.
And when we make a mistake and fall off in to the ditch (which we will) - we just get immediately back on the highlighted route and continue on IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. No punishment, no blame, no shame. Get up and go forward.
The thing you're waiting to have happen before you make the commitment, happens AFTER you make the commitment. Too often we're waiting to have the feeling before we take the right action, when usually the feeling comes AFTER we take the right action.
